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336 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 28, 2015
"Do you feel this?" he whispers. "This is what makes us keep coming back, despite everything we've gone through. This is why I had to change, and why, despite how much I hurt you, you can't walk away. The way we sink into each other. The way I can't tell my heartbeat from yours... It's about this."
"I meant every word, and if you let me in, I’ll prove it to you. Show you. Love you. Please…"
He brushes his lips against my ear, and it makes me tremble.
He wraps his fingers around mine and pulls them away from the door.
“You want to hold on to something?” he says. “Hold on to me.”
“Fuck, Cassie, I know the right thing to do is leave you alone. But when I think about doing that, it…” He grips his chest. “It fucking hurts.”
He pulls back leans his forehead on mine, eyes closed. “One more chance is all I need to prove how different we can be. Please. I know second chances are hard to come by and here I am asking for a third, but… fuck, I need you. And despite everything, you need me, too. Just say yes. Please.”
“I did tell you to go fuck yourself”
“Yeah, but you didn’t mean it.”
“Yeah, I did.”
He frown. “Really? Wow. I totally misread that moment.”
“This is precious. This is love. This is something I’ll never take for granted, because I know how it feels to be without it.”
"You can love something without being passionate about it. Conversely, you can be passionate about things you don't love. It's when the two converge that real magic happens."
"Hate. Such a strong emotion. So easy to call upon. Loud enough to shout down all the pain. It's easy to hate him, so I do. It distracts me from how much I love him."
“Boyfriend sounds so fucking lame. I’m nearly twenty-seven years old. I’m not a boy anymore. I want to be your man. Your lover. Your…damn it, I don’t know. Your Ethan. Whatever the fuck you want to call me, that’s what I want to be. My end game is to simply know that I’m yours and you’re mine.”
He was my first true friend. My first love. First lover. The master of more pleasure than I knew existed, and the architect of more heartache than I thought I could endure …
I want him. Can’t want him. Need him. Hate needing him.
“You think I don’t love you? … If I didn’t, do you think I’d be in hell right now? You think I like feeling like this? Like pushing you away isn’t ripping out parts of me? Fuck, Cassie, I know the right thing to do is to leave you alone. But when I think about doing that, it…” He grips his chest. “It fucking hurts. And I’m so sick of hurting. I thought you could make it better, but you only made it worse … You want me to say it? Yes, I love you. But you have no idea how many times I’ve wished I didn’t.”
…
“Tell me how to stop loving you, Cassie. Please. I have no fucking clue.”
“If our relationship was only based only on sex, do you think we’d have gone through all the shit we have? Sex is easy. It’s an itch that needs to be scratched, and as much as I love having sex with you, what I want from you isn’t easy. It’s messy and complicated, and it’s filled with so much fucking passion, I don’t have a clue how to cope with it all. But I find a way, because I love you. And love is hard, but it’s worth it. You’re worth it.”
“Yes, I enjoyed it. A lot. You were, without a doubt, the best I’ve ever had. But thinking about it right now isn’t going to end well for me. So please, for the love of inconvenient boners everywhere, let it go.”
“I did tell you to go fuck yourself”
“Yeah, but you didn’t mean it.”
“Yeah, I did.”
He frown. “Really? Wow. I totally misread that moment.”
“Hey, guys,” I say as we stop in front of them. “Have a good summer?”
“I had an awesome summer,” Jack says with his trademark smirk. “I got together with the ex-girlfriend I dumped more than a year ago because I’m a miserable fuck who never stopped pining for her. Oh, wait, that was you, Holt, wasn’t it?”
“You think I don’t love you?” he says as he steps away from the wall and draws up to his full height. His eyes are hard. “If I didn’t, do you think I’d be in hell right now? You think I like feeling like this? Like pushing you away isn’t ripping out parts of me? Fuck, Cassie, I know the right thing to do is to leave you alone. But when I think about doing that, it…” He grips his chest. “It fucking hurts. And I’m so sick of hurting. I thought you could make it better, but you only made it worse.” Everything he’s feeling is on his face. Every emotion. He can barely look me in the eyes, and it makes mine sting with tears. “You want me to say it? Yes, I love you. But you have no idea how many times I’ve wished I didn’t. No idea.”
He runs his fingers through his hair as his frustration peeks through. “I know it’s too soon, but I’m not going to lie to you and say I don’t want it, because I do. I want to be your boyfriend. No, wait … boyfriend sounds so fucking lame. I’m nearly twenty-seven years old. I’m not a boy anymore. I want to be your man. Your lover. Your … damn it, I don’t know. Your Ethan. Whatever the fuck you want to call me, that’s what I want to be. My end game is to simply know that I’m yours and you’re mine, and that neither one of us is scared or ashamed of that. I want to take you out and put my arm around you and know that every other man in the room is jealous as hell that I’m the one who gets to take you home and paint your skin with my mouth.”
We hover there, chest to chest, heartbeat to heartbeat, and the rest of the world ceases to exist. Of course, I know outside of this room, the crew is working madly. In the street outside, traffic snarls and snakes through the city. People lope and scramble, love and rage, live and die. Oceans are rolling and babies are being born, and any number of prayers are being ignored or answered. But for Ethan and me, none of that exists.
None of it.
Our universe is the hush of air between his lips and my throat. The brush of his fingers on my neck.
“Do you feel this?” he whispers. “This is what makes us keep coming back, despite everything we’ve gone through. This is why I had to change, and why, despite how much I hurt you, you can’t walk away. The way we sink into each other. The way I can’t tell my heartbeat from yours. We have this perfect rhythm, whenever we’re together, and that’s the essence of us. It’s not about sex. It never was. It’s about this.”
‘He just stares at me, and the way his expression morphs into heavy-lidded lust sets all my insides ablaze.
That look has always brought me undone. Even when I hated him. It’s so full of primal magnetism, it’s no wonder I blocked it from my memory. A lot of men have desired me over the years, but not a single one has ever looked at me like that. Like he belonged to me just as much as I belonged to him. I realize now that we’ve always owned each other, even when we were apart.’
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xoxo
iko
“This man represents so many things to me. He was my first true friend. My first love. First lover. The master of more pleasure than I knew existed, and the architect of more heartache than I thought I could endure.”
“In the past, I thought I could be what you needed. But thinking and knowing are two different things. Now, I know. Let me prove I can love you the way you deserve.”
“We have this perfect rhythm, whenever we’re together, and that’s the essence of us.”